113 PMDD MELT DOWNS LATER (APPROX 2 years)

Another month and PMDD spiral. Today's reason? I ran out of ice. Sometimes it really is the little things that can cause an absolute meltdown. Pun probably intended, but the brain fog is so incredibly heavy that I can't be certain.

My veins flood with rage. I can nearly feel the heat of it through my skin.

Get a grip.

As I'm taking my 50th deep breath in an effort to calm my nervous system, a text comes in from my funny friend.

“Before I forget, I'll be in West Palm Beach in April,” she says.

A small smile pulls at my lips at the sight of her name. Last time she had flown down, we met for lunch in the midst of a sea of SeaPaint tour dates. I wish we'd had more time, but life (SeaPaints) was keeping me entirely too busy. An excellent problem to have I suppose.

Plucking at the keys on my phone, I text her back. “I'll be in town then,” I assure her.

“Put me on your schedule,” she teases.

“You got it!” I promise.

I don't bother telling her that I don't have a schedule anymore. Not really. I don't want to tell her that I had stopped touring. I don't want to have to explain to her why I did. And truthfully, I still don't understand it myself. All I know, is that my body is no longer the same as it once was.

Lately, most of my days are spent in bed.

It doesn't seem to matter how much coffee I drink. It's the kind of fatigue that is beyond heavy eye lids. It's heavy, slow moving, and even painful. But maybe that's because nearly everything seems to ache. And if it isn't the pain keeping me chained to the bed, it's the nausea. Every step I seem to take, results in flu like symptoms.

Doctor visit after doctor visit, but none seem to find anything. When my symptoms don't improve, we close the SeaPaint store, keeping only the online operations to contend with, but even that becomes far too much for me to handle. As a result, after years of chasing my dream together, Jose returns to NASA to take the pressure off me.

Just when I think it can't get any worse, a debilitating pain begins shooting through my kidneys.

This is the symptom, that finally truly catches my attention.

Lightning-bolt like daggers shoot through me, straight to the clit.

What the fuck is this?

Something is incredibly wrong. I just can't figure out what it is. And for whatever reason, neither can my doctor.

Hopeless, hurting, and battling the worst PMDD episodes in my life, little by little I start to give up. On business and on life.

NEXT: #39 The PMDD Chronicles