My fingers pluck at the keys on my phone.

What causes systematic pain? 

A plethora of options fill the screen, momentarily overwhelming me.

Sheesh.

Scanning each of them, one by one, none seem to entirely fit. 

After scrolling for what seems like an eternity, there it is. Nestled among my findings, is an article about an autoimmune condition known as Celiac Disease. 

I had heard of it before, but never considered that I might have it. I thought it was something to do with the intestines and had never really given it a thought. My issues go much deeper than digestion.
Reading on, I realize that I was simply wrong. Very wrong.

Curiously, I begin looking up the long term effects of Celiac. The search leads me down a laundry list of small horrors.

Starting with malabsorption that leads to other illnesses and diseases.

Lovely.

The assortment on the screen is vast, ranging from autoimmune illnesses to cancer. Among them were lactose intolerance and even histamine intolerance.

My mind flickers to all of my newfound allergies over the last few years.

Hmmm.

I continue reading down the list. 

Weight loss, bone and joint pain, numbness and tingling in the hands and feet. Seizures. 

My mind shifts to the small seizures I’ve been having for years and that weird fainting spell outside of the concert . And and all the times that I spent in bed to prevent it from happening again.

I move my focus back to the list. 

Balance and coordination issues. Brain fog. Memory issues. Headaches and migraines. My jaw drops a little. 

Migraines?

One of my very first childhood memories, I’m four years old, hunched over the toilet, violently purging my chicken nuggets and fries. 

It would be the first of thousands throughout my lifetime.

This whole time? No Way couldn’t be. 

The list continues. 

Anxiety and depression.

Check bitch check.

The next one causes me to drop my phone.

Kidney stones.

 An old memory floats through my mind. I’m 10 years old and I’m pulling out my piss strainer out of my backpack.

My mom had made me bring it to school so I could catch my little stoners. 

I was fucking mortified. Who wants to be friends with the bookworm that carries around her pee trainer?

Pretty sure I can smell the memory. It smells faintly of piss and very heavily of shame. 

Bringing my focus back to the list once again, I pick up where I left off. 

Hormonal mood swings and estrogen dominance. 

Wait a minute. Hormonal mood swings. Estrogen dominance … isn't that what causes Pmdd?

The list goes on to include: 

Acne 

Brittle nails 

Dark circles under the eyes 

Hives 

Skin rashes 

Bladder infections 

Dizziness 

Fainting 

Irregular heartbeat 

Back pain 

Sleeping issues 

Leg cramps 

Swelling and hands and feet 

ADHD 

Irritability 

Memory loss 

Panic attacks 

Bladder Pain

Suicidal 

When I reach the last one, I lean back against my bed and put down my phone, trying to let this all sink in.

To my surprize, the list reads perfeclty like a roadmap to my lifelong health issues.

This whole time? Could it be and if it is, how did my doctors miss this? 

NEXT: #44 The One With The Life Worth Living