I have a confession. Yes, another one.

The first five years of running this business was absolutely unhinged. Especially behind the scenes, so much was happening at once I couldn't even process it in real time, largely because I too was unhinged. But that's a different story, one that I've written and regretted.

Which is largely what this confession is about today.

In the beginning, it was pure crafty chaos. And for a while I swear I thrived in chaos. What I would learn rather quickly, though, is that going viral is not for the weak.

There I was, suddenly surrounded by attention from strangers, thousands of them and thousands more. For someone who spent the first two years of her business hiding behind the camera, blogging, it was certainly a lot all at once. But it was more than that, so much more, especially behind the scenes.

With thousands of eyes on us, it brought all kinds of attention, both good and bad. Learning to navigate both without losing myself in the process was quite the learning curve. Like I said, there was so much happening all at once and the only way to process it was to write it all down. So I did. One crafty, chaotic book at a time. By the time it was all said and done, there were four of them in the series. Intimate details of my life filled those pages.

Then one day this year I woke up absolutely horrified at the very thought of those pages existing. Suddenly, years later, after publishing them, I felt naked and vulnerable and I absolutely hated it. With only five books left in my inventory, I pulled the series from the shelf.

There's a specific type of horror that comes from reading something you wrote while you were surviving something. You think you're being cryptic, honest, brave, vulnerable. Except you weren't exactly being cryptic. You were being extremely, embarrassingly specific about real events that involved real human beings and real situations, and some of those situations I now feel I should've held much closer to my chest.

But as a habit, I processed those first five years of chaos the very same way I processed chaos as a kid. I wrote about it. Five years later, though, I don't look at some of those events the same way. Life is certainly different without the PMDD lens. With my PMDD in remission, it's remarkable how much more room I have for compassion and grace. It's largely why I pulled them from the shelf, keeping only five for myself.

With one of those copies, I refinished the bathroom floor in our cabin. 

With another, I gave this broom a facelift, going for hobbit cottage vibes to match my witch-in-the-woods aesthetic.

And if I'm being 100% honest, ately I've been eyeing my art studio floor to finish off another book or two, leaving only a couple of copies to keep. I don't want to forget those chapters completely existed, but the truth is, I overshared and I regret it.

Thousands of those old copies exist, and knowing that they're out there somewhere, sitting on a shelf within reach,  sometimes keeps me up at night. I'm only partially kidding. But at the same time, I know sharing my story helped more than just me. And while maybe it's not entirely an era I want to remember, it holds cherished memories that I never ever want to forget. 

I didn't delete all of it from existence. The parts of that orginal story that helped others, I isolated those chapters and turned them into a series of blogs. Those parts of that original story can be found among the pages in The PMDD Chronicles, Crafts, Chaos & Caffeinated Confessions, and SeaPaints. But the original, unhinged, highly unfiltered version is sitting on a shelf somewhere in the home of a SeaPaints fan, never to be seen again. And some days when I think of them, I don't mind that those copies exist. Like a secret, just between friends. I kind of like that.

I may not be the same version of me that wrote that series, but I'm still here, just a little differently.

And maybe this is a reminder than even though some eras don't get a reprint, they can still be learned from and ultimately repurposed.

If you want to see how I did the broom project, watch the video and read the instructions below. 

STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN HOBBIT BROOM OR BOOK COVERED CRAFT

First thing I should mention is that I made my own pages a little crinkly and worn looking to give it the old vintage hobbit aestetic. To do this, I used brewed coffee and tea to stain the pages. If I'd had vintage secret on hand, I prob would have just used that. You can skip this part if you don't want an aged look. Ok, onto the process.

Step 1. Dip brush into Mod Podge and brush it onto the page. If you’re feeling brave, you can dip the whole page, but this didn’t end well for me. I actually don’t recommend it at all. Stay safe but go for it if you’re feeling brave.

Step 2. Brush some of the Mod Podge onto your object that you’re wanting to adhere the pages to. Since it’s a broom I’m wrapping it around it. However this is easily doable on flat surfaces as well. You can use an old gift card, spatula, or whatever you can find to help it lay flat by lightly scraping over the surface. Don't overwork or the pages will slide around. Hit it and quit it. Don't stay and play. 

Let it dry

Step 3. Brush on a coat of Mod Podge on top of the adhered pages. I ended up using a glove and my hand due to severe in patience. If you're an impatient crafter like me, you can see what I mean in this video.

Let it dry.

Step 4. Brush on a coat of Seaglass Topcoat for extra durability.

Let Seaglass coat dry 5 minutes

And that’s it! Thanks for joining me as I repurpose my pain and shame... until next time